prince

STATUS AIN'T HOOD

my daily demand

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prince
xk4thrynx
There is only so much of everyone around me taking vacations and boasting about it that I can handle. It feels like it's been weeks of nothing but people around me bragging about how excited they are for events that they're going to, events that they know I'm not going to be a apart of, and I just sit there and try to ignore it. It feels like it's inescapable. It's not even entirely the prospect of missing out on a vacation that makes me feel like shit, it's everyone never shutting up about exclusive happenings around and to me. I feel so vexed and exhausted this year and I have plenty I'd like to escape from and go relax someplace nice too. I hate it. It's such an adjustment being on my own that by the time I get used to it I really do not want to make room for people again. I really don't. I don't know if I will this time. Muh.

muh
prince
xk4thrynx
Haven't posted in this in a while, but I got an early bout of anxiety over the break ending and school beginning yesterday. It's almost half way through summer break, and I'm so scared about revisiting/experiencing the separation anxiety I had last year. I feel like it's gonna me way worse this year, and it doesn't help that it's senior year. Big changes. Things won't be as predictable as previous years. It's starting to eat me up. I want to feel safe and secure and do well. I'm panicked though and all I can think about are the dates and how fast May and June zipped by and how that's inevitable with July and August.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
At the end of the day, I'm a collective of problems and nerves. Why would I ever have anyone.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
I feel like I'm unraveling.
I've felt happy and safe for a month now and then some, but then out of no where, when I begin to trust my circumstances and stay in the moment, I randomly fret, freak out, and panic and stress about this break. I don't know know what did it. I think it was a couple of tiny things. I've felt so much more secure for a while, but I've been beginning to feel like the distance is inevitable, that all of the things that make me feel distant and detached over a break are going to happen. I'm scared that all of the plans will be spontaneous. That there will be sudden changes that send anxious shocks to my mind. I'm scared of all any signifier of desolation. I keep thinking about desolation. How ultimately everyone will have their other and I'll be alone and stuck with absent friends and parents. I don't want that. No. I'd rather leave now on my terms. I could manage and learn and thrive on my own if it were on my terms. I wish I could sleep but I can't I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm trying to breathe but that's such crap. It never works for me.

Also, this is a really stupid thing to fixate on, but last semester I failed three classes out of five. I was in the worst mental spot that I've ever been in, and I had a rotten and debilitating experience on a buncha combinations of medications. I couldn't ride the subway straight to school without getting off midway to get some cold air because of the nausea. I threw up three times after a twenty minute car ride. Needless to say I neglected to complete really any of my work. However, I really wish one of my professors knew about this if it were possible to tell him without the pity. Only because I feel like I went from doing nothing and feeling like nothing and wanting to be nothing to doing much better in school. I turned in a dense paper for his class and he gave it back to me today through email, with a moderate grade. The grade bummed me out, but that wasn't what triggered stuff, it was his comment. He told me that I seem to have hinted at an intelligent counter argument but that I failed to do so. I don't know why but that really hurt. I know that I'm not a genius student, but I worked really hard on that essay. I put more effort into that one stupid paper than I might have put into the two classes I was attentive in last semester combined. I feel like such a fuck up in school.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
The only thing I can think of to lift my spirits is the tentative birthday trip I hope to make in February....but that's coupled with the anxious fear of panicking over the idea that I would have to make the crass choice for myself to renounce relationships before then. This semester :\

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
even though it wasn't without tribulations, I had a seriously fantastic winter break. I managed to end it on a good note with breakfast, and I've managed to hold back tears so far today. I'm at my dad's and I felt my first rumble of lonesomeness. I keep asking myself if the things that I fear happening next semester still feel threatening. They do, and I'm scared. I don't want the past month to be the end of everything or the last time I have the fun that I had. I'm trying to mentally shut up and avoid freaking out. It's kind of a bummer though when I think about the full lives and opportunities awaiting my friends at school. I'm glad that they have them, but it scares me when I think that they either could continue to keep us distant or new happenings and experiences will spark new distancing :\

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
There are only five days of break left :( Parts of it are really tough but it's also been a truly pleasurable month. It's making me upset to think about the anxiety that's waiting for me when I'm alone and the semester begins. Separation anxiety and lots of depression because I never easily transition from heavily occupied time into extremely desolated periods of time. And it's always tough when you're alone but you know that your friends have other people. You're missing them but they're busy and occupied having a life and stuff. And I'm especially sensitive to stuff like that. I'm actually excited for my classes in the way that I was when I began school, but I'm scared that anxiety and depression are gonna impede on any ability to do well again. And that's scary because I can't afford to flunk anything else or switch my major and still graduate on time.

I'm already contemplating the summer and it's strange and awkward because it's the last summer we'll all have as undergraduates, and yet it may be spent compromising time as we all may have more responsibilities than during previous summer breaks. I hope I have friends come summer time. Whenever I dwell on any immediate future possibilities I imagine summer and school and life with friends as things are now; and summer and school and life with no one. I guess my mind just wants to cushion things or soften these episodic meltdowns or something.

I really wish I never felt it, but today I felt something click in my mind that made me realize that my heart may not be invested in a friendship anymore :\

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
I'm in a similar conundrum I was in when summer break was winding down. I'm trying and often managing to stay in the moment, but not without simultaneously swallowing my anxiety in order to enjoy my time. While I get to enjoy my time when I'm occupied, I often experience intense anxiety in my down time (like now..). I keep thinking about and stressing over family and friends next semester. I'm like phobic of the idea that both might become different or further distant or both :\ I'm afraid that the disasters I concoct in my mind are waiting for me in mere months. The more I self talk and fixate and think up endless situations involving phobic changes the more tangible and less vague they seem. Maybe I need stronger medication or something .___.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
it's Christmas and all I can think about are bummer family things and next semester. I am so stupid.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
I don't want to make these choices...but whenever I'm alone I realize that the reclusive option is my only viable alternative..but I still don't want to make these choices. Nothing is really mellowing out though.

?

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