- (no subject)
- March 9th, 2012
I feel like I'm unraveling.
I've felt happy and safe for a month now and then some, but then out of no where, when I begin to trust my circumstances and stay in the moment, I randomly fret, freak out, and panic and stress about this break. I don't know know what did it. I think it was a couple of tiny things. I've felt so much more secure for a while, but I've been beginning to feel like the distance is inevitable, that all of the things that make me feel distant and detached over a break are going to happen. I'm scared that all of the plans will be spontaneous. That there will be sudden changes that send anxious shocks to my mind. I'm scared of all any signifier of desolation. I keep thinking about desolation. How ultimately everyone will have their other and I'll be alone and stuck with absent friends and parents. I don't want that. No. I'd rather leave now on my terms. I could manage and learn and thrive on my own if it were on my terms. I wish I could sleep but I can't I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I'm trying to breathe but that's such crap. It never works for me.
Also, this is a really stupid thing to fixate on, but last semester I failed three classes out of five. I was in the worst mental spot that I've ever been in, and I had a rotten and debilitating experience on a buncha combinations of medications. I couldn't ride the subway straight to school without getting off midway to get some cold air because of the nausea. I threw up three times after a twenty minute car ride. Needless to say I neglected to complete really any of my work. However, I really wish one of my professors knew about this if it were possible to tell him without the pity. Only because I feel like I went from doing nothing and feeling like nothing and wanting to be nothing to doing much better in school. I turned in a dense paper for his class and he gave it back to me today through email, with a moderate grade. The grade bummed me out, but that wasn't what triggered stuff, it was his comment. He told me that I seem to have hinted at an intelligent counter argument but that I failed to do so. I don't know why but that really hurt. I know that I'm not a genius student, but I worked really hard on that essay. I put more effort into that one stupid paper than I might have put into the two classes I was attentive in last semester combined. I feel like such a fuck up in school.