prince

STATUS AIN'T HOOD

my daily demand

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
Whenever I go through a road block in life I always yearn for a fresh start when it's almost over. If I can afford it I like to get new bedding for a new semester, light a bunch of candles, clean a ton, start working out a bunch if I can, or more often then I wish I had; change my major. It's a tiny bit as if I want a new life over and over again. I've changed my major so many times; and even though I love Geography & Urban studies, part of me wishes that I could still pursue a minor or even change my major again in the spring or next fall when I hopefully have a lot more control over my depression. I guess I'm worried that I'll always have that association between depression and GUS. I kept day dreaming about declaring new majors today. And I always wish that I had time to take a gender studies course, and then I think about how much I like feminism, how I have conflicting opinions about certain facets of feminism even though I dig it, and that it's something that has really really really helped me cope with some stuff that might have given me the problems I'm still learning to manage today. My mom is a very subordinate and passive person. It's not her fault at all, but it's had a ton of unfortunate consequences on our relationship. She loves me unconditionally like I do of her, but she also seriously lacks ways of showing it. We used to be best friends, but that relationship was literally forbidden from existing anymore because of her new husband. I had the misfortune of learning about some stuff that step children or anyone who is trying to foster a family should never ever learn a few years ago. I came across stuff one day that broke my heart for years and still stings when I reflect on it. I remember when I was also a much more subordinate and silent person and never left my room and even felt too scared and anxious to leave to go to the bathroom because of the control freak asshole I lived with. I also didn't have access to the internet so that time was spent stewing in anxiety. I'm in therapy now and talking a ton about the roots of my disorders and stuff; and even though those years still really trouble me when I dwell on them sometimes, I just feel so so fortunate for feminism. I didn't think about it then but I really enjoy it now. Even though half the time it leaves me feeling really bleak about my gender and leveling our very gendered playing field, it also really helped me to turn some guilt into rage. And even though that might sound like counter productive and poor reasoning, I think that it's healthy rage that allows me to cultivate something closer to a self esteem, and that it has ultimately allowed me take baby steps towards standing up for my self and my mom. So yeah, pointless rants are rad. And maybe I wish that I could major in Women's studies.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
My head hurts so much. I woke up around seven cos my stomach was hurting cos I've been anxious and I haven't been able to watch a movie or eat a snack or try to sleep over and over again or do anything to distract myself cos I'm so anxious. I keep thinking about how today isn't going to work out and if and when it may not work out for me that's going to signify so much and I hate myself cos I hate how I think and the toll it takes on me and how incredibly inconveniencing it is for other people. I hate how it's been hours and I've been fixated and sick and it's still going to be hours until I hear that today may not work out in a way that would feel secure and comforting and I hate myself. The only thing I can think to do is take pm pain pills or something but if I do that then I have to cancel my plans today. I don't think my plans are going to go as I thought they would cos stuff unexpectedly sorta seem to come up last night and for me those changes and lack of a certainty or time make me sooo anxious. I don't even ever typically have plans so the prospect of them and having had a lot of fun and relief with the plans I have had has been so addictive. I just hate myself. I hate how this happens to me now. I hate the fear and the guilt and the inconveniencing and the headaches and the nausea and the everything bad. I try to really push myself to not quit or flake and to really strive to stay in the present the best I can so that I can enjoy myself and make sure I'm not taxing on other people or ruining stuff for them. It's just such hard work and literally anytime I'm alone anymore whenever brief opportunities to be in safe and fun situations arise, but problems creep up and hit me so hard and make it so difficult to enjoy this. This day man.

rant
prince
xk4thrynx
I hate having to take a bunch of gross pills everyday and never feeling certain about how I'll feel when I get in a bus or a car and I woke up in nerves super early this morning and am seriously going to be stewing in it and I hate everything

muuuh
prince
xk4thrynx
when there's something big on my mind that's just going to be trouble to confront and I feel like I've got to keep pushing it to the back of my mind in order to just enjoy my break but a) I'm still thinking about it obsessively b-z) it's going to stew and cause to me to break down whenever I do confront it later down the road :(

that moment when
prince
xk4thrynx
you realize it's the beginning of the end for something important in your life and you feel the depression take over. I can't go to sleep or move my face to express much. I'm going to try to take a shower and go for a walk when the sun comes up. This is just such a mess I've created for myself.

sucks
prince
xk4thrynx
I'm like phobic of going to my world economy class. I know I'm only worsening my situation my avoiding it but this is like the third time I panicked when I tackled the paper and failed to write it. I'm terrified of my professor. I keep spending time trying to write the dumb paper instead of budgeting my time to go to counseling services and talking to them about it and trying to get help. It hurts me when I fail to finish this. I want to be a good student, but I'd also like to have some understanding of the subject. I just...have become so inattentive in his class. I tried to explain my setbacks this semester to him and give him a letter from our counseling services meant for him as well as notes from my doctors, but he said that he didn't need to see them. Which just sucks. And then he called me out publicly from across the room in class for still failing to turn in my paper, despite giving us a vague and tentative due date of "whenever is convenient for you." At the time it felt embarrassing and this is so pathetic but I've been too scared to go back to class because I can't help but panic whenever I try to write this paper. I'm gonna try to go counseling services after class today.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
I've been on significantly stronger medication and in help for about two weeks now. Therapy every Monday and four pills and self help books and psychiatry. I've kind of had progressively more troubling mishaps happen at home, school, and with friends. Sometimes when I've gotten myself up and out for school and the weather's nice and I have lots of coffee I feel good and stable and I like it when I see someone at school or talk to someone. I'll feel good when I turn work in on time and go to class and I'll feel great when I participate again. But unfortunately more frequent then that, most of the time I'm depleted of motivation and energy or the efforts I do make are anxious ones when I panic and feel sick. I'll enjoy seeing a close friend but when I go home or the moment I'm on my own comes around I tank. All the different changes that could happen now or next semester or summer or the far future feel so threatening, even though I'm reassured that I'll deal with it. I really don't think I will. The more I think about it the more I want to deal with the inevitable on my terms instead of having to deal with life's gradual unintentional hurt and consequences.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
Breakfast was good except for the part where it ended on a sour note right at the end. Now I'm filled with anxiety and guilt and I even though I tried to plan stuff and make it work for everyone I failed to do that and I'm feeling all sorts of down trodden by it; both for friend and myself. The moments leading up to it were nice, this wasn't my fall break but it was probably the most socialization I've had here and it was much needed so it sort of felt like an informal break. I'm just glad I didn't have the meltdown I had when summer break ended. I'm not so much nervous as am depressed right now though. I feel sad and inactive. Minus rambling here. I went a couple days without taking my antidepressent, and only one day needing my anti anxiety medication, so returning to taking both reminds me side effects and life prior to last weekend.

I withdrew from my French Revolution class. My professor just wasn't going to be accommodating despite having a fancy letter with signatures from people with credentials cos she's very much so all about being that professor who really pushes their students and cuts no slack. I have mixed feelings about that because I can understand her reasoning and if I were more capable of it I would want to be pushed to be a very serious student to, that and I'm also terrified of people who stigmatize depression, anxiety, or any mental illness. I end up doing more damage to any situation with a person like that in my efforts to dodge them because I have this really selfless guilt about it and it hurts my already troubled feelings to be dismissed as "lazy" or that "I'm making an excuse" or something. I've only ever had one person actually directly inflict that kinda lingo but it was very impressionable. I want to earn my grades but I also have to grapple with the fact that right now I need accommodations to do so. On the bright side there's a similar history course next semester but with a different and much more enjoyable professor.

My head super hurts right now. I feel like I've been eating like a pig lately. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be a terrific student again who wasn't so behind on work and wasn't lacking in motivation or didn't panic when they do get finally get a jolt of motivation.

I'm beginning to get antsy about therapy, because I don't think this is going to be the combination of people who I keep. I know I'm being a jerk preemptively judging them, but when I went to look up directions to get to my psychiatrist, google lists reviews under business directions and he had two out of five stars. The except of the quote I shouldn't have but totally read said "would never recommend him, he told me I should gain weight because girls should have curves. Has no personality" I feel like it'd be terrible to be fortunate enough to have access to a psychiatrist immediately and then cancel cos of one person's review, but I'm like, also terrified of having a shitty experience with more meds. The therapist Temple got me situated with is some guy who is part of a HUGE group practice. I've only ever seen female therapists so I don't know how I'll feel about opening up to him, and I'm scared that this is going to be an environment that's super impersonal and sees me as more of an illness and number and less as a person. I'm just going to be upset and bummed if this doesn't work out, I have a plan B to maybe get situated with a smaller group practice, but that could still be more time and possibly a wait list and it just sucks to wait...but poor therapy and psychiatry could also potentially really suck.

I feel like maybe I'm thinking surprisingly rational about all this, so maybe that's good.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
Mad cos I put myself through the worst separation anxiety
Mad cos I feel like some disaster is waiting for me
Mad cos I while google mapping out directions for my psychiatrist, I learned that he is supposed to be a pretty shitty psychiatrist
Mad cos I withdrew from a class and aside from telling the internet it's a secret I'm keeping from my mom
Mad cos I can't turn my thoughts off and relax. Relaxation = unobtainable. Relaxation = making myself vulnerable.
Mad when people tell me that with therapy everything will be better, and that with therapy I'll be magically prepared to deal with any phobic situation. It's not that I don't believe in it or am resistant to it, I know that I really really need a therapist and believe in the benefits of the practice. I think it's just that for some people, telling me to wait until therapy is the closest thing to closure they can give me. I don't want to be a bitch but therapy won't alleviate my fears and thinking and problems. If I manage to unlearn and face irrational fears it'll take a year or two or three. At its best it'll be an outlet and a metaphorical shoulder to cry on. As soon as the time is up though I'll return to life, which is lonesome and tense and tough right now. It'll be nice to have that guaranteed time to vent but it's beginning to bother me to know that it's not going to cure any illnesses or really spare me the pain I'm terrified of in the future.
Mad cos I can't stop feeling that this is the beginning of the end. And that means worthlessness and desolation to me. That makes me feel so empty.
Mad cos I barfed a bunch last night. Felt nauseous today. Had another migraine today/now. Hate thinking myself into a migraine.
Happy and grateful that I have a best friend who completely lifts any depression and most anxiety when I spend time with her but mad that I allow myself to tank when we're apart.
Mad that I'm not being the student I used to be.

(no subject)
prince
xk4thrynx
my diet today thus far:

-Small iced coffee and doughnut
-Medium iced coffee
-large coffee


Why am I oddly and counter-intuitively accepting of this? Oh right cos I get my homework done.

?

Log in