- (no subject)
- October 19th, 2011
Breakfast was good except for the part where it ended on a sour note right at the end. Now I'm filled with anxiety and guilt and I even though I tried to plan stuff and make it work for everyone I failed to do that and I'm feeling all sorts of down trodden by it; both for friend and myself. The moments leading up to it were nice, this wasn't my fall break but it was probably the most socialization I've had here and it was much needed so it sort of felt like an informal break. I'm just glad I didn't have the meltdown I had when summer break ended. I'm not so much nervous as am depressed right now though. I feel sad and inactive. Minus rambling here. I went a couple days without taking my antidepressent, and only one day needing my anti anxiety medication, so returning to taking both reminds me side effects and life prior to last weekend.
I withdrew from my French Revolution class. My professor just wasn't going to be accommodating despite having a fancy letter with signatures from people with credentials cos she's very much so all about being that professor who really pushes their students and cuts no slack. I have mixed feelings about that because I can understand her reasoning and if I were more capable of it I would want to be pushed to be a very serious student to, that and I'm also terrified of people who stigmatize depression, anxiety, or any mental illness. I end up doing more damage to any situation with a person like that in my efforts to dodge them because I have this really selfless guilt about it and it hurts my already troubled feelings to be dismissed as "lazy" or that "I'm making an excuse" or something. I've only ever had one person actually directly inflict that kinda lingo but it was very impressionable. I want to earn my grades but I also have to grapple with the fact that right now I need accommodations to do so. On the bright side there's a similar history course next semester but with a different and much more enjoyable professor.
My head super hurts right now. I feel like I've been eating like a pig lately. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and be a terrific student again who wasn't so behind on work and wasn't lacking in motivation or didn't panic when they do get finally get a jolt of motivation.
I'm beginning to get antsy about therapy, because I don't think this is going to be the combination of people who I keep. I know I'm being a jerk preemptively judging them, but when I went to look up directions to get to my psychiatrist, google lists reviews under business directions and he had two out of five stars. The except of the quote I shouldn't have but totally read said "would never recommend him, he told me I should gain weight because girls should have curves. Has no personality" I feel like it'd be terrible to be fortunate enough to have access to a psychiatrist immediately and then cancel cos of one person's review, but I'm like, also terrified of having a shitty experience with more meds. The therapist Temple got me situated with is some guy who is part of a HUGE group practice. I've only ever seen female therapists so I don't know how I'll feel about opening up to him, and I'm scared that this is going to be an environment that's super impersonal and sees me as more of an illness and number and less as a person. I'm just going to be upset and bummed if this doesn't work out, I have a plan B to maybe get situated with a smaller group practice, but that could still be more time and possibly a wait list and it just sucks to wait...but poor therapy and psychiatry could also potentially really suck.
I feel like maybe I'm thinking surprisingly rational about all this, so maybe that's good.