my daily demand

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There are only five days of break left :( Parts of it are really tough but it's also been a truly pleasurable month. It's making me upset to think about the anxiety that's waiting for me when I'm alone and the semester begins. Separation anxiety and lots of depression because I never easily transition from heavily occupied time into extremely desolated periods of time. And it's always tough when you're alone but you know that your friends have other people. You're missing them but they're busy and occupied having a life and stuff. And I'm especially sensitive to stuff like that. I'm actually excited for my classes in the way that I was when I began school, but I'm scared that anxiety and depression are gonna impede on any ability to do well again. And that's scary because I can't afford to flunk anything else or switch my major and still graduate on time.

I'm already contemplating the summer and it's strange and awkward because it's the last summer we'll all have as undergraduates, and yet it may be spent compromising time as we all may have more responsibilities than during previous summer breaks. I hope I have friends come summer time. Whenever I dwell on any immediate future possibilities I imagine summer and school and life with friends as things are now; and summer and school and life with no one. I guess my mind just wants to cushion things or soften these episodic meltdowns or something.

I really wish I never felt it, but today I felt something click in my mind that made me realize that my heart may not be invested in a friendship anymore :\


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